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lip_gloss_and_green_tea
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Interests: Architecture, Architecture, Architecture, People, Music, Life, You, Friends, Strangers, Perfume, Travel, Dancing, Art, Love, Truth, Creativity, The unexplored, Design, Fashion, Kissing, Smiling, Bones, Family, Kids, Running, Cuddling, PASSION!
Expertise: Faking my ed.... fasting, starving, etc.........
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/18/2005
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| 126. I gained a
pound... I don't even know how. Uck. I had 3 rice cakes and
an
orange: that's it today. And I'm gonna jump rope for about an
hour, and maybe run 5 miles if I have the time (fucking finals ruin my
life)
I had the Pepsi dream again..... what the fuck......
I feel like I'm accidentally turning my room mate anorexic. I've
hid everything all year and now together we starve. She's even
taking laxies when she does eat.... and we have signs all over our
cupboards saying "Don't Eat!!!" with pics of tooth picks on the
fridge. What have I done, I feel horrible and I don't want her to
get in the same mess that I am in.... I've warned her and she won't
listen
I would love to lose 5 pounds this week......
And with all this stress it's possible....
My bikini is haunting me..... I wish I were dancing this week. =(
And I miss him.
Fuck........... time for studio, group projects, and tons and tons of work.
"Somewhere in the
back of my brain there exists this certainty: The body is no more than
a costume, and can be changed at will. That the changing of bodies,
like costumes, would make me into a different character, a character
who might, finally, be all right." ---( i love that quote soooo much)
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| One single weekend away and everything in my life seems amazing.
Perfect. Everythings fitting into the right places --- except my
fat ass, which.... weighs 125 today. AHHHH! So technically I am
underweight and you would think I would look okay but I certainly don't
feel okay. I look in the mirror and all I see is my tummy -- I'm
3 pounds lighter than I am in that profile pic but seriously who gives
a shit I'm a fat ass.
Spent basically all weekend long with the exbeau..... we only stopped
seeing each other b/c of the distance thing so now that I'll be around
this summer I have a very strong intuition we'll be getting back
together -- sooo funny because everyone who doesn't know we once were
an item tells me we'd be soooo cute together, are the same, etc etc...
I wanna be like umm yeah we *were cute together..... haha. Well
we'll be cuter when I'm 115. He's like all about health food and
everything and goin to gym so he's such a good influence on me.
He knows I have eating issues but doesn't give me that much shit for it
either.....
Other than that I made some $$ this weekend!! Yesssss!! And I danced my
ass off at work so guess whos gonna be gettin dammmmn good workouts
nonstop at work this summer
THIS GIRL.
Everybody I spoke to said you lose 15 pounds the first 2 weeks of
working there. And I saw my friend Brad this weekend who I havent
seen since January...... he told me I look a lot thinner & look
amazing ..(i wouldnt go that far but sweet)..Ohhhhhhhhh yeah baby!
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| I guess it's been a while. Bad few days, really. I ate all
weekend, puked all weekend, ate, took laxies. So I'm back at
128. Fuckkkk.
And I see the ex in: 2 days.
(double fuckkkkkkkkkkk)
When we were together I was 110-115 ish. And now I'm huge... a blimp.
Fasting -- not eating one more fucking thing. I swear to God. No fucking excuses.
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| I have such a bad feeling, so nervous. I had a panic attack
tonight. I broke out into hives and about cried. Instead of
crying I jogged in place for 20 minutes, did 400 crunches and jumped
rope. All I want is one night I can go to sleep without anxiety
about what I will weigh the next morning. All I want is one
morning, one fucking morning where I don't run to the scale to find out
how the rest of my day will go. All I want to do is find some
kind of love outside of this anorexic bubble, where my weight is so
important that I turn down dates, lie to friends, and stay in on
Thursday nights to save calories. All I want to do is eat a
"normal" meal... which, honestly after 2 years of this, I don't know
what a normal meal is. I can't think of a time I was happy with a
normal meal. It's all or nothing. There is no normal.
Normal for me is empty. Happy for me is empty. I like when
my stomach growls. I have taught myself to like the feeling of
hunger. I live for this emptiness, this starving, this weight
loss. How ironic, the one thing that is killing me is the only
thing I'm living for.
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| 128 Today.
So, my fast is technically over. I broke it. And I'm not very mad or disappointed. I feel like my metabolism is just slowing down, and in order to lose these 13 pounds and more importantly, keep them off... I
can't completely go into starvation mode. So every 60 hours I am
going to eat a <250 calorie meal. I've never restricted myself
so much and I usually fast because when I eat I eat a lot. But I
feel pretty confident about this.
Today I had:
a mini bag of Kettle corn that was ....100 calories
a spoon full of apple sauce, which is 50 cal a serving so ... 3 calories?
half a special k bar ... 45 calories
and a very small handful of mustard & honey pretzel bits... 20 cals tops
That gives me 168 calories. And really what is that little cals gonna do every 3 days? I burn that shit just breathing.
But here's the thing... I can't lose focus of losing these last 13 pounds. I mean 128 is still far from perfect... my current BMI is 18.9 which is "NORMAL weight"
-- ::SHUDDERS:: I am considered "UNDER weight" at 125
pounds. So I'm fucking normal right now. Fuck that. I need to be 5'9 and 115 lbs ... which is 16.98 BMI. And
I can totally do this... afterall when I was a freshman in college (now
a junior) I was 5'9 and 101 lbs. (Those were the fucking days...
trust me)
Anyways, time to get showered up and go to class
and spend the night studying
and in the design studio
slaving over projects
and smiling when my stomach growls
PS - new picture. taken tonight... i look so fat
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